SEMINAR ON SELF-WORTH

Success is not easy or arrived at quickly

MODULE ONE - First steps toward Awareness and developing a necessary Mind-Set

The first step to addressing any issue is to understand the circumstances around it, in other words, define it.

For instance: a new coach taking over a team cannot ignore the parts making up that team; the team environment, individual relationships, and the individual’s attitudes. A culture can only be created or changed when one knows the existing culture. This is true for all organizations that includes people.

Is there such a thing as, A culture of a person?

What is a culture? Culture is defined:

1. The training, development, and refinement of mind, morals, or taste.

2. The condition thus produced; refinement; enlightenment.

It appears that a person is a culture within themselves. Now the question become, what are the circumstances that make up a person’s culture? Does it cripple development or improve it?

Within the chambers of our mind there is one element that is essential for betterment and growth. That element is Belief. One needs to believe that whatever endeavor is attempted or goal set, that it is attainable. When someone says, “You must believe in yourself.” What does that mean?

I think it means, “I can get there.” An understanding that one can obtain what is needed in order to “get there.” We have all aspired to be a superhero in sport, science, medicine, and the list goes on. Each of us has the faculties to accomplish our dreams and aspiration, but someone, some circumstance, or failure cause us to doubt ourselves. The tide of doubt floods into our minds overpowering our dream seeming to squash our hopes. This is a very natural occurrence and is sort of nature’s way of testing our resolve.

“Your belief must be stronger than the disbelief of the critics, doubters, and that includes yourself.”

There are numerous accounts in sports, business, and almost in every field that illustrate that those who had strong beliefs became successful. Each of these individuals would say, “It was not easy, but it was worthy it.”

Does your personal culture have in it an element of fortifying your belief in the face of such tides of doubt?

That is not a fair question unless, you have experienced a showdown with doubt and its source.

No one can control other people nor their criticisms and negativity. There will always be those who think they know you better than you know yourself.

The only thing you have control over is how you think and react. This takes us into our own minds. Dealing with those elements that try to discourage us is not a trivial matter. Each negative comment or despairing comment is registered in our minds. This is especially true when one gets hurt deeply. These records of the past have a way of coming into the present to take you back with them to their origin, back to the pain. We are all prone to this and it comes in the form of how with talk to ourselves, Self-Talk.

In my book, The Journey, I cover the destructive effect of negative Self-Talk. Yes, an individual is made up of many components that work to form a personal culture. Your past has a major influencer on your thinking. Each of us have elements from our past that influence how we see ourselves and the world. There is a story in each of us that determines our understanding of what we are. How is that story told to yourself? This is Self-Talk.

Unfortunately, many of our perception are wrong. Adjustments for these errors need to be made, reframing our past to makes these adjustments. It is next to impossible to make these adjustments without an objective viewpoint. Some would say a “straight line” is needed to bring out the crooked line that we may be following.

Self-Talk is a sneaky thing, in most cases it is not even noticed. It is almost a natural event in one’s life. It occurs automatically, without realizing it. Because it is only spoken to yourself, it remains unnoticed. Self-Talk is the Silent Destroyer if not checked. The conscious part of our mind that listens to itself is very small compared to the part that is affected by our words and thoughts. The affected part carries the horsepower of the mind. Essentially, Self-Talk is the fuel for the engine that either destroys or build up a person.

Self-talk originates from our past memory, where those negative experiences are stored. Memorable, but also painful. If one focuses on the now and the future rather than the past, the talk will be more objective, positive, and carries a hopeful message. Talking from the now, or future is advisable over listening to the past. It is after all, the fuel for that powerful engine that will move you into the direction you desire to go.

There is too little encouragement given today. Is there a thing as Self-Encouragement? Yes, and No! A mind set fixed on the past has no foundation for encouragement. Unless everything in your past is perfect. Let’s get real! We tend to bring up the painful event over the favorable ones, that is just the way our minds work, if left unmanaged. Most of us need a reframing of the past to lay a foundation of objectivity, elements necessary to develop self-encouragement. That reframing is the task that we need help with.

Freedom from Self occurs when one has resources that help in the reframing process. Thereby favoring growth. The past can act as a steppingstone toward future growth when viewed properly. This takes outside help, reading books, listening to speaker or podcasts, and conferring with a mentor/advisor. All reinforce a thought pattern away from the negative natural tendencies that echo in our minds.

This is a choice! The culture of You. It is the same as the culture of a team or business. Destructive elements must be either removed, adjusted, or displaced to yield the foundation that can support encouragement to grow.

A few steps to consider in reframing destructive Self-Talk:

1. Become aware of the way you are talking to yourself.

2. Remove all, I am … statements that are negative. Your faults, mistakes, and failures, they are NOT you. They happened to you; they are NOT you.

3. Add I am…, I will…, and I can… statements that you want to become true and real. These statements are your positive desires that you overtly want to incorporate within yourself. These are what YOU want to become!

4. This will take time and constant attention. When something occurs that makes you discouraged, be it a mistake, an embarrassment, or failure. Realize it is an opportunity for growth and is not a measure of who you are. It is only an event, totally separate from the being you are. It happened to you – it does not define you. This is a very important distinction. Every disappointment is nothing more than feedback for you to grasp an opportunity to learn and get better. You will eventually see them as encouragements in disguise, leading to improvement.

These simple steps will drastically change your thinking.

MODULE TWO – Elements of Self-Talk

This may all seem to be a bit naïve to expect changes to occur by just doing these few steps listed above. We realize that life will get into the way, and it is not easy.

Self-Talk is an important topic because it is stealth, comes in under the radar. Few people turn to their friend and tell them of their terrible thoughts they just had about themselves. The echo of our thinking reverberates through the chambers of our minds causing damage far more severely than one could imagine.

This is so because as our cognitive mind is formed; statements, actions against us, and subtle innuendos are stored in our past memory. These when recalled support the negative train of thought going on within our Self-Talk. This in turn escalates to other past events thereby bringing a landslide of negative into the Now. These memories cause reactions affecting our perceptions that work to trigger doubt in ourselves. Doubt inevitably moves us towards fear.

There are only two types of fear: Real and Imagined. The difference between these two, in the present age, is primarily a perception. In most of the lives of people living in the United States, we are safe from wild animals, wars, and social revolutions or other harmful events that could cause injury or death. For the larger population this holds true, even if we account for natural disasters and rare infrequent circumstances.

Since Self-Talk is constantly with us, we need to displace it with something. Negative Self-talk comes from listening to one’s history and the mental representation it creates from the past. There is a subtle difference in listening to one’s self from the past and talking to one’s self in the present. Talking to yourself leads into the “now” and the future.

An attribute in all of us is the ability to alter ourselves by our thinking. This occurs because our thinking attaches itself to the powerful capacity of our subconscious mind to create a reality. This is not a fantasy, it is real. The capacity to believe that your thinking can alter your attitude, has been known for over a hundred years as stated by William James. First educator in psychology.

It is difficult to generate enthusiasm for the future in a state of fear or anxiety. Paranoia is a disease where one thinks everyone is against them. Escalation of fear and anxiety can lead to becoming paranoid. However, the opposite of paranoia is hope, led by trust. Talking to one’s self in a positive, hopeful, and trusting manner produces a positive desired future.

Yet Fear is prevalent in nearly everyone’s life. Fear of rejections, not belonging, losing a job, a relationship, a house, car, or money etc. These are all perceptions that manifest themselves in tension. The human being has two modes of operation: Protection or Growth.

Protection mode is that state where we are held captive to a belief that something is going to happen to us, either emotionally or physically. This perceived state heightens your heart rate, directs your muscular system to preparation for action, and adrenaline in injected into your blood stream. This is the fight/flight response to threats. The body is under stress during these times. Protection mode does not allow adequate healing or regeneration. In fact, removing the threat still does not allow for proper healing. One must move from protection and neutrality into a Loving environment to fully heal and recover effectively. This place creates the Growth mode. It is the mode where we feel loved and safe. This environment allows for repair, growth, and hope. Growth mode is not the place where Burn-out occurs.

One can see that Self-Talk that generates fear puts the body in peril. Hence, this is one of the destructive attributes of self-talk.

It is not that easy to just pick one over the other. Years of experiencing negative input and adversarial exposure leave one with self-concepts that cannot be altered overnight. Just to say “I am… (an affirmation)” does not automatically correct years of crippling self-talk, negative inputs, and personal bruises acquired by being alive. More effort must be made.

Moving from “Protection” to “Growth” is a slow intentional process that starts with believing it can be found. There are many kinds of temperaments and personalities, each has an effect on how one needs to proceed to find that loving place. Some may need time to be alone, others need immediate verbal feedback, others may need distractions while mentally incubating over the issues at hand. The list is endless, because everyone is different. However, the fact remains, staying in protection mode is very hard on the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of an individual. It is a spiritual degradation.

How does one begin to execute a favorable atmosphere that renders a growth mode? Giving Dignity to one’s self.

MODULE THREE - World

Before we jump into that answer of Self-Dignity, let’s ask another question: Do you want to make a difference in this World? It maybe phrased as, I want to make a difference, implying that the difference is in your World.

In this context, what is World? This is one of those questions that stump people. They immediately start to think about this word that they use all the time, but which is never well defined. The World is not the Earth or Universe. So, what is it?

In the Bible is states: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

What has been overcome? I emphasize this question because if you have no idea of what the World is, how can you make a difference in it or change it?

What we know as the World is the fabrication of what has and is occurring on this earth in the form of systems derived from between the ears of man. Nature does not add or subtract from it. It is totally designed and implemented by human beings. Government, economics, social development, inventions, and politics are all developed by man. So are the egregious acts of racism, hate, and wars. Man’s systems are the World.

One saying, I want to change the world is saying, they want to change the mind of man. Or at least have an influence on changing the thinking that has allowed the world as we know it.

Gandhi stated; Be the change you want to see in the world. This implies a means by which to execute the desire to make a difference. Dignity is the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed. Starting the process of changing one’s self will require a different thinking of one’s self.

Let’s start with this question: How well do you give dignity to yourself? Giving yourself dignity essentially is giving yourself a platform by which to implement a thinking into the world’s system. How? By noticing a very important factor; your thinking is important, valuable, worthy, and can influence others towards good vs. evil. We must understand that there are two poles in this world. On one side is “evil” and the other side is “good.” Few things, if any, fall in between these poles that can be considered neutral. If our postulation is true, then it stands to reason that our minds contain both good and evil. Our actions, therefore, are manifestations of our choice towards one way or the other.

We have ears and between them is the substance of thinking, designing, and creating. The question is, how will we use them?

Self-Talk works against us, by bringing in the ills of the past to cripple our belief in ourselves. Believing in one’s self is the start to beginning change. If one starts with a negative belief in themselves, the subsequent effort is usually not favorable. This becomes a de-escalating event that does nothing but add to the arsenal of negative self-talk.

Up to this point we learned that Self-Talk is something to be constantly aware of and controlled. Working toward being in Growth mode is necessary to maintain a health physical, emotional, and spiritual environment. Building Self-Dignity as an ongoing process of appreciating the gift that each of us have and the capability to giving it back into the World.

How do these all come together?

MODULE FOUR - Our Education

It is easier to talk about it than to do it. At the same time, it is not difficult to take a first step, but it is easier to not to take that step. Let’s take the first step.

Let us examine what those things are that prevent us from taking that first step? Earlier we mentioned Fear, now let’s look at how fear has permeated our being.

Our Education Process:

At different stages in our development certain things are important to take place. Those things include not just formal training, but also social structuring, and adaptation. We are very social animals that need to be engaged with others. The irony is that this same need opens us up to elements that challenge us and can hurt us.

We become aware very early that acceptance is very important; to feeling liked and to belong. Before age 7 or so, we are not very prone to be attacked on our self-esteem. Our person is normally not subject to ridicule or examination. It is easy to be accepted into a group, even if it is new.

Kindergarten and first grade usually do not include judgement by other children. However, with the age of reason comes consequences, one being judgement. Very early in the education process, along with grades comes judgement from other children. A Pecking Order starts to occur that exposes our social standing and weaknesses. To an extent this is beneficial because it fortifies our social propensity.

However, being evaluated on those things that are outside of our control, like hair color, complexion, height, weight, etc., cause reactions that starts self-judgement through the statements of others. This process can morph into many forms, the worst being Bullying. It is difficult to generate enthusiasm for the future in such a protective state. This is also where self-judgment lays the foundation of Self-Talk.

The above description is general and is different for each of us, some for better and some for worse. Regardless, the impact takes place. It would be nice if the education system would nurture an awareness that each person has uniqueness that is important. That is not the case, in fact, it is exacerbated by the external pressure to maintain various standards of performance based not on the individual, but rather on an ordered curriculum. A curriculum that was developed to run students through a mass production model. There is no emphasis in this model on the individual, it is all about getting them through that standard curriculum.

The education system in the United States is archaic and grossly ineffective. The reasoning is simply that it does not prepare student to enter the work world, where engagement becomes important. Studies have shown that employees are terribly unengaged in their work. One study revealed that as much as 85% of the work force is not engaged. What is the source of this disengagement?

Maybe a better question is: What does it take to be engaged? There are numerous books that deal with motivation and fulfilling work. Books like; Flow, Grit, Switch, Thinking Fast and Slow, Start with Why, the list goes on and on. These represent a search for what makes one successful.

In other words, what is it that keeps someone motivated in their endeavors or work? If that question can be easily answered, then I would not be writing these words. It is complex, as complex as individuals are. However, there are signs that such a solution is possible. This is encouraging!

MODULE FIVE – Unlearning

Alvin Toffler wrote this statement; “The illiterate of the 21st Century will not be the person who cannot read or write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.”

Recently, in a conversation, I brought this quote up and was challenged on its relevancy. The individual cited that in today’s business, not being able to adapt can kill you. I understood his point, but upon further thinking; adapting is not unlearning, it is continuing the learning process.

Unlearning is taking a concept that is firmly integrated into your belief system, and acknowledging that it is flawed, wrong, or misleading. Making changes to it is the Relearning process.

The catch is, the relearning does not begin to take place until the “Element” thought to true and relevant is evaluated in the light of new information.

Unlearning carries with it a component of humility. There is a tale that tells that Roman Generals had on their chariot a person dressed in white that made the General aware that he was human and not a “god.”

Unlearning entails an important thought process, I may have been wrong, mistaken, or conceived an opinion that left out a necessary element. In other words, I am not a god, therefore I might be wrong. Unlearning is difficult, especially for veteran professionals, who have years of experience that would require energy to evaluate the new information.

Professionals are required to have Professional Development Hours, or training in their fields. The purpose is to force them to keep up with new techniques and information.

What does the culture of One do to keep an attitude of Unlearning?

MODULE SIX – Sabotage

One who destroys or maliciously damages something is a saboteur. Someone who unconsciously hurts themselves is a self-saboteur. This process is unconscious because the hurting or damage is carried from the past and repeated over and over. They are habits that play themselves automatically out of cognizant awareness. Tying fulfillment to success appears straight forward if not for you interfering with your own desirers.

The concept of finding fulfillment, it can be external or internal. The external tend to be material in nature: dress, cars, or house; or personal in nature: gaining status in work or pay, even who you date or marry. The internal is a matter of the heart.

This has to do with being honest and true to yourself or doing things that are for the benefit of getting accolades from others, status or such. The fact that you can be comfortable with who you are is a major advance in directing a life that is fulfilling.

External motivation is weaker than internal. The passion and desire from within you have a more stronger driving force than from being motivated by someone or something outside of yourself.

There are those who are afraid of success. These persons can deliberately interfere in their own efforts. The fear of success can be even more powerful than the fear of failing.